August 11, 2015 – Learning to Receive

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Memory is a funny thing. There are random moments from my life that seem hardly “memorable”, that I will never forget. Like the day so many years ago – I was laying on my belly on the living room carpet, at my dearest friend Brenda’s house. It was before their son Quincy was born, so it must have been more than 20 years ago. There I was with my lower legs kicked up and crossed behind me, propped up on my elbows, reading a book she had by Helen Palmer, on the Enneagram – a system of personality types. In the beginning of the book, there was a section that had a series of one or two sentence descriptions of each of the nine types. Reading through them, I saw myself, clear as can be. I am a Type Two – the Giver, the Helper. Many people I’ve talked about the Enneagram with, have been puzzled as to their type, but not I. The description of the Type Two may have well been written in neon letters, it stood out so obviously to me as me.

If you aren’t familiar with the Enneagram, and what it means to be a Type Two, we are oriented around being helpful to those in our lives. We have a strong need to be needed. We know we are loved, by tending to the needs of other people, and having them tell us how wonderful we are because of it! We are compelled to give. As with all types, there are dark and light aspects. On the one hand, we are really good at tuning in to others and can express great compassion. And then we can be insufferable martyrs, blaming others because our needs are not tended to. Discovering in that moment, and learning over the years since about my Enneagram type, has allowed me to not only understand how it is I operate – the dark and light – but it has been key in my evolution and becoming more free from my compulsions.

What it’s pointing me to now, is how much I have to learn about receiving. Receiving is hard for most of us, I’d venture to say. To really receive means to allow what is being given to enter us, to touch us, which means we need to be open, and thus be vulnerable. We are much more comfortable to be the giver. Think about it, to really let in a genuine compliment can be awkward. It’s much easier to deflect, to explain, to attribute what’s being appreciated to someone else, than to let it in, to move us, and simply offer back a genuine “thank you.” Maybe it’s center-of-the-universe-ness that has me say this, but it seems that receiving is harder for Type Twos – whose personalities are formed around being helpful and giving to others. Then again, maybe making the comparison isn’t relevant – let’s just say receiving is a challenge!

For me, in this moment, receiving is “up.” My recent trip to Santa Fe to share what I know about painting, ended up being an amazing opportunity, to expand my capacity to receive. I went expecting to be the giver – to teach, to coach, to support, to encourage. We did do a little bit of art together, but not nearly as much as I’d expected, which left me feeling like I wasn’t “earning my keep.” And what I encountered, was the most gracious generosity I’d ever been offered. I was cared for exquisitely: I stayed in a gorgeous home surrounded by an Eden of a garden, I ate delicious meals, we walked through fabulous art galleries and went to the movies a couple of times. She even arranged for me to have an hour and a half massage! It seemed like every other phrase out of my mouth was “thank you.”

I got on the plane after our four days together, so far out of my comfort zone. I felt this odd combination of immense gratitude and discomfort, for having been so generously given to, in a way that felt out of balance to me – I’d expected to have provided much more in return. I discovered how vulnerable it feels to really receive. I didn’t rationalize or explain – even to myself. I just received all that she gave to me. In the moment, it felt like I did nothing to deserve it – like the grace I wrote about a few weeks ago. But in order to fully honor her generosity, I needed to let it impact me – to allow all that was given to me, to wash away the armor of “no, no, let me give to you” – which is so how I am wired – and graciously accept her gifts. I’m finding it hard to articulate exactly my experience. I can’t really find the words, but there was a humility that it required, even a “demure-ment.”

PAX teaches women in the “Queen workshop”, that receiving is one of the feminine forms of power. I know this is my edge, as I have a hard time – still – really getting how receiving is a form of power. I get it in my head as an idea, but to feel it in my body is whole other thing. I know I’m on track, though. In my experience, this is how transformation happens. I can understand intellectually first, and then later it lands more deeply.

What I am also seeing, is the possibility that there are qualities in us – in me even – that inspire others to give to us. The giver is admiring something that is being expressed – qualities like beauty, radiance, light, hope, faith, vision, wisdom. The response to being in the presence of these qualities, is generosity. Here it is again – the masculine being inspired by and providing for the feminine.

I wrote at the end of 2014, that this thing called “Life in Full Color” is going to take much more than me, to emerge more fully into the world this year. Though it has a life of its own, there is a part of me that sees it as “my baby” – which means that in order to have others contribute to its evolution, it will take my capacity to receive their contribution. I’m starting to see this happening, and it’s remarkable to find myself in this place. This expanding my capacity to receive, is perfectly timed.

And what just occurred to me as I write this, is that this means I need to have Life in Full Color matter enough to be contributed to – which brings me right back to the matter of my mattering – which is exactly what I understand to be the “theme” of this life I’m living! It is simple – a one-point program – life is set up for me to learn this one thing.

What I also get is the difference it makes to the giver to be received, as I am by you who read what I write each week. And when I sometimes hear how what I’ve written touches and moves you, I am then invited to receive your appreciation in return. It’s a beautiful circle of receiving and giving.

With my love and gratitude,

Cara