March 1, 2016 – Taking a pink break

Listen to this post:

I am a thought-ful person – I mean to say not so much that I’m kind and I think of others – which I do aim to be and do – but that I am full of thoughts. I’ve been watching myself think, and am realizing how incredibly busy it is inside my head!

There’s almost always the “efficiency expert” – this is the one who plans ahead, nearly constantly, about how I am going to do everything, strategizing as how to maximize the results of my efforts. Like when I wash up after dinner: I very intentionally wash the sheet pans first, so they can lean up against the inside of the garden window, then skillets, then saucepans. Bowls are last, smallest to largest – all so that everything will dry well, and will fit on the drying pad without water getting everywhere. It’s like this all over my life. And even when I’m scattered, which I am plenty, my mind is keeping track of how in-efficient I’m being.

There’s the “relationship monitor”, who tells me that I really need to be in touch with this person or that, evaluating how that last conversation went and whether there is something else I need to say – if I may have hurt someone, or overlooked something. There’s always someone I’m overdue to get back to – an email or text message to reply to, an appreciation to offer. This part worries about whether I am giving enough, or saying enough to those who provide so much to me.

There’s the “look it up addict”, who is always on the lookout for what I don’t yet know. Here’s how this goes – just yesterday morning, at the start of the trail on my hike with Bo, I saw an oval bumper-sticker on a car that had the word “VIOLIN” on it. My mind went: violin, viola, cello… the last two instrument names have their roots in Italian, it seems, but what is “violin” in Italian? I took out my phone to find out it is “violino” and in then French, it’s “violon.” Viola is “viola” in Italian, but “alto” in French. Ok, that’s enough! Thank God for another part of me that had me put the phone back in my pocket, to be present with my dog on the trail in the beautiful sunshine!

There’s another version of this part of me that is compelled to not just know, but to understand. I want to be able to put everything into the grand scheme in some way – and these are big things – the dark side of humanity – violence and suffering, the evolution of human consciousness, climate change and our future, and this incredibly unusual and unpredictable US presidential election. This part reads the opinion pages of the paper, listens to public radio, reads emails from all kinds of people working to further the causes of humanity – all with the questions: “are we becoming more conscious?” or “how are we evolving?” in the back of my mind.

Added to these parts, there’s still the part of me that is food – and body – conscious, and the part that fears every little twinge, wondering if I could be really sick. There’s the part that worries about all the trash we generate – sorting garbage wherever I go. There’s the part that feels compelled to make something out of myself and my art business. This part that tells me I really need to be on social media more! And the part that makes and teaches art, always on the lookout for painting subjects and ideas about being a better teacher.

I’ve recently come to realize, how completely exhausting all this mental activity is! And I see a thread that runs all through these patterns. I am positively compelled to self-improve. I am rigorous with myself, turning things around in my brain, looking for the “lesson” for myself in all that challenges me. As much as this way of being has made me who I am now, has given me the capacities I have to perceive and understand and sometimes share helpful ideas and thoughts, I’m also really hard on myself.

It’s the season of Lent in the Christian calendar. I don’t hold myself tightly to the tradition of “giving something up” as a Lenten fast. But I have decided, even if I’m a bit late, that I am going to give up on self-improvement for a while. It’s time to give my precious self a break from the scrutiny and diligence. It’s time for more sweetness, acceptance and ease. And having some fun while I’m at it.

In preparation for this past weekend’s Oscars, I’ve gotten started on the fun part – I’ve been going to the movies! I’ve seen more movies in the past month, than in the past year. Brooklyn was my favorite – what a lovely, lovely film. But I also thoroughly enjoyed The Big Short, Spotlight, The Martian and The Bridge of Spies. 45 Years was powerful – not a feel – good movie as such – but rich with humanity. And my mom and dad and I went to a gorgeous documentary of the spectacular tenor, Jonas Kaufmann’s all-Puccini concert, at La Scala in Milan – what a big treat it was, to experience all that emotion-filled music and inspiring talent.

I’ve put away all the books on my nightstand, except two – “Lisette’s List” and “Delicious.” Both books were passed on to me by ladies in my groups – about things I love – art and food. I can feel the need for some time in museums – I’ve not seen the Pierre Bonnard exhibit at the Legion of Honor yet, and in gardens. I want to paint tulips! Filoli, here… I… come!

As part of this effort to give myself a break, I’ve decided to paint only what I really want to paint. I’ve been working away on one of deeply colored hydrangeas sitting on a decorated tile resting on a fountain. The colors are more jewel-y and muted – like late summer or early fall, when the image was taken. I’ve left paintings unfinished in the past, but last year I’d circled back and finished them all – giving me a sense of accomplishment – which has me reluctant to start a new stack of partial paintings that would “talk” to me. So I’d been dutifully working to finish it.

Spring has started in northern California – the earliest blossoming trees are full of petals, daffodils are up, the hills are green thanks to some rain this winter. All of this has me wanting to be painting with springtime colors. So Saturday, I drew two new paintings – both of roses in pinks, corals, a range of sunny greens. I’ve started in on the “fuzzy background” of one of them, looking forward to painting rose petals in tropical punch colors.

My sense is that what drives this part of me, to seek and transform into some increasingly improved-version of myself has in part, to do with shadow beliefs that doubt my value. There is no defeating shadow – not in me, not in you, not anywhere. My seeking has taught me that what we are here to do, is to shine the light of consciousness on it. For me, this means putting away the self-help books, turning off the radio, unless it’s something that feeds my feminine soul, feeding myself through my eyes, my ears, all my senses. I’m shining the light of love, of mercy, of grace on the driving, striving parts of me. And I’m letting myself live pink!

I invite you to shine the light of awareness on the parts of you that may be calling for it – and live in your color.

With my love,

Cara