March 8, 2016 – Fine tuning my promise to paint every day

Listen to this post:

It’s been over two months since I promised to paint every day, and I haven’t missed a day yet. Though one day in January, all I did was paint colored squares in preparation for a color class, and there have been more than a few days that I’ve painted for only a 10 or 15 minutes. But making the promise – and making it publicly to all of you – has had a marked effect on my relationship with time, scheduling and my dedication to paint. There have been days that I did not start out painting – which is the best way for me to start any day. And as 9:00 or 10:00 at night rolled around, I realized I’d not painted. Because of my commitment, I’ve picked myself up and gone into my studio (which is just one of the bedrooms in our house) and worked on a painting. In the past, I’d absolutely have just let it go for the day.

At the end of January, I went to LA for a workshop and a visit with my aunt and uncle. In order to have something to paint to take with me, I drew a small one of roses and raindrops, and I made myself a teeny little palette of paints. I painted each day before the workshop, as well as in the airport – both on the way there and back – a first! There was even one night – it was after 11:00 – I was in bed, cozy and warm and ready to call it a day – and I called bullshit on myself, when I told myself that I had painted. I had really just fiddled around for a few minutes. So, I got out of bed, wrapped up in my bathrobe, turned on the space heater at my feet under my painting table, listened to the silence of the sleeping house, and painted for half an hour. It was probably the most precious time I’ve spent painting yet this year.

As successful as this commitment has been so far, I see it’s time to guide myself to another place, with my promise to paint every day. I’ve been holding it largely as something I need to “get in” each day. I set the commitment as a way to bring meditation into my life on a regular basis. And the way I’ve been doing it – and more importantly, the way I’ve been holding it – has often not been in the spirit of meditation. I’ve been aware of the deeply-felt place painting holds in my life for a while now. I remember one day – something like 8 years ago – talking to Sara, when she was the pastor at the church I used to go to. What came out of my mouth was that for me, painting is a devotion.

As I was putting away the dishes from last night and thinking about what I’d write about today, I remembered saying this – and wondered, what really is a devotion? So I looked it up! (I am letting myself look things up for my posts!). English is such a rich language and there are often many synonyms for a single word. The collection of synonyms can define a little universe which can say a lot. Here they are for devotion: loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity, constancy, commitment, adherence, allegiance, dedication, fondness, love, admiration, affection, care. When I look at these words, I see two things – there’s steadfastness in the words from “loyalty” through “dedication”, and there’s a heart-centeredness in the words from “fondness” to “care” – a steadfast love. I’ve been doing the steadfast part – what I’m feeling the lack of, and wanting to bring in – is my heart – or more of my heart.

This is one part of it, but there’s another – a distinction I learned from Alison: there is a masculine (produce results) and feminine (in the timelessness of the moment) way to do just about anything. I can get ready in the morning, choose my clothes, do my hair and makeup, take my vitamins with the idea that I have to get it all done in as short a time as possible, efficiency expert front and center – OR I can feel my hands on my face as I put on my moisturizer, look at myself in the eye for a second as I put on my eye makeup, choose clothes that I feel good and lovely in. Who emerges from my bathroom is a whole different person depending upon which I am able to choose. Cooking is another arena to see this – I can produce food for dinner, or I can lovingly prepare a meal to nourish our bodies.

Time is what makes the difference – either time is limited and I’ve got to get a move on, or I have all… the… time… in… the… world. Here’s the thing, time is limited on this earthly plane. We’ve only so much in a day and in a lifetime. So how do I give myself the experience of getting myself ready, cooking, painting – living my life, a time-limited universe – in such a way that I feel I have all the time in the world?

I feel resistance in me as I realize what this means. I need to actually schedule my time and have priorities. When I worked in the corporate world and had a boss and commitments to others, I was very good (well, a whole lot better anyway) at scheduling and “time-management.” But now, that I work for myself I have been rather loose with time – especially on the days that I don’t teach – the days that are all mine, to do with what I see fit. I let myself get pulled away by all kinds of things that are not on my radar. I schedule my appointments and meetings with others, but not my painting time, my marketing time, my email time. It’s really time. In order to make my work my devotion, my prayer, it needs me to protect it from the other things that are crowding it out.

As I think about spending time every day looking at how I’m going to spend this day of my life, with an actual calendar, the resistance is re-doubling inside me, making it really apparent why I’ve not been doing it. This part of me needs my attention! I’m making the promise to that part of me – in front of you – I will listen to hear what it has to say, what there is to caution me about – what its fears are. Because I now know I must provide containers – pockets of time – to get lost in my painting – every day. Even if the pocket of time is 15 minutes, I want to have set it with intention – not just squeezed it in. I know that when I do, it’s much more likely that I can arrive to it with that sense of devotion.

I’m also aware of the break I’ve given myself as of last week – and that this may seem like self-improvement. But it’s clear to me, that “pink time” isn’t pink unless it’s given the space to be so. I know I won’t be perfect at this. But it is my intention to keep coming back to it, when I fall back on getting pulled here and there – and when my inner-teenager wants to rebel.

I feel a softness and a resolve in me as I finish this post. And I am so grateful for my relationship with you. Knowing you are there, knowing you are reading and listening – and taking on commitments of your own, as I’ve heard a few of you have, pulls me along on. It reinforces a central belief – that life is lived in connection – on the web of invisible threads that bind us.

With my love,

Cara