June 14, 2016 – I missed a day…

Listen to this post:

I woke up very early, it was still dark. Lying there awake and alert, it dawned on me that I didn’t paint yesterday. Oh, no… I checked the time – 4:04 am. My heart sunk. It was way past midnight. I couldn’t leap out of bed to paint for a few minutes, so that I could say that I did. The day was over and my streak is broken – almost 5 and a half months of painting daily, and now I won’t be able to say at the end of the year, that I painted every single day in 2016. The day went by, busied with the rest of my life and I didn’t ever make it to my paints.

To be honest, what I called painting on Sunday, was hardly worth counting either. I’d spent the day working hard out in the yard and by the time we got home from my folks for Sunday Dinner, I could hardly keep my eyes open. I painted for two or three minutes on the rain rose and crawled to bed. We had spent the day re-staining the front walk, and then I had fun painting impressions of leaves in the concrete different colors. So, though I didn’t work much on a watercolor painting (which – specifically – is my commitment), I did paint something. I had a great time using my color-mixing abilities to tint the stain intense colors of greens, golds and rusts, using watercolor pigments. But yesterday, I didn’t touch a brush for any reason. There’s no rationalizing it, I just didn’t do it.

The other part of it is, that after about 9 or 10 in the morning, I didn’t even think of it! To me, this is what my commitment is really about, being faithful to what is important to me – and it’s the part that has me the most disappointed. Don’t get me wrong. Action matters. Nothing happens, no paintings get painted, if we don’t actually do the work. But this commitment to paint every day, is a devotion. Painting is how I connect to myself – who I am, what I’m here to do. It is how I love, how I show my love, how I live my love. And I forgot. The sinking feeling – which is still here as I write this – shows me how connected to my heart this is.

Walking is good for sorting things out, so I did my walk with Bo, first today. As I walked, it occurred to me that my heart feels just like it does when I let Joe down. My connection to my creative life is a relationship, just as my marriage is. And then, I reminded myself that being human means not being perfect. Like some of us, I have a lot of attachment to perfection – which is often, not pretty. I recall writing to you in several posts so far this year that “I’ve not missed a day yet.” I now see the pride in making the statement. It’s tricky. It is my intention to keep my commitment, but I want to keep it for what’s behind my making it, not so that I can say I did and look good for keeping it. To be really transparent, there have been several – maybe a dozen or more days – that what I did hardly counted for much. I painted so that I could “get it in” rather than to express my devotion.

The commitment is here and it’s still having its impact. Without it, this would be a non-event. On my walk, I also reflected on the countless days before the end of 2015 that went by, when I didn’t paint and never gave it another thought. This seems to happen especially just after a big push, to get a painting done for a deadline. I had just finished “Offering” (the painting above) on Saturday morning – I guess that sometimes I just need a break. This points to another tricky part: my profession is my devotion. Sometimes it’s necessary to get into production mode – like I was last week – especially Monday and Tuesday – forcing myself to get ‘er done. Technically, that qualifies for “painting every day” but the promise to myself, is to make it devotional. During these times, it’s hard to combine the two.

I am sorry I missed a day, and I appreciate what’s come of it for me – how it has impacted me. I’m not beating myself up, but I am taking note of how readily we (at least some of us) are pulled away from what matters to us. Today, I’m recommitting anew, to paint every day the rest of the year, and I’m grateful for the way that letting something down – something that really matters – can bring me, bring us, to make a stronger, deeper commitment.

I wrote a post a couple of months ago, about fine-tuning my commitment, by actually scheduling time every day to paint – thereby protecting my devotion from being crowded out – like it was yesterday. I want to report, that I’ve done absolutely nothing towards that promise to you. In my corporate days, I was a devotee of the Franklin planner and spent every work day laying out my day. After several years of buying paper planners/calendars and using them for three or four days all year, I’ve stopped buying them. I use the calendar on my computer and phone to manage appointments, but scheduling how I spend my time around appointments, is done completely by the seat of my pants. I don’t impose structure on myself easily.

It is my desire, my intention, to head in this direction. I don’t have the answer as to how. The resistance I wrote about in that post, still lives in me. But right along side it is, my promise to honor my love – to live my devotion. I’ve heard that tension – creative tension – is how life is worked out. This, today, is mine.

In this moment, I’m also very aware of my relationship with you and how it serves me in my life and process.

With my gratitude and love,

Cara