March 1, 2017 – Trusting your own rhythm

I’ve just past the second weekend in a row when I didn’t pick up a paintbrush.  Not once during the four days did I do what I love to do – sit alone with my work and bring something to life with paint on paper. Many times – I walked by my studio, glanced at my painting and felt disconnected from it.  These pristine plumeria blossoms in the painting I started on our lovely vacation were waiting for me.  Maybe it’s that we’re back home to winter, it’s colder, wetter and a bit darker.  Maybe I’m responding to the season and weather.  I also ended up catching yet another head cold – which did not help my energy level.  The first weekend I was navigating through some rough waters in an important relationship – always consuming for me.  Regardless of the reason, after painting nearly every day last year, I’m finding myself worrying when I spend too much time away from it.  Did I set a “new normal” last year and am I off track, or is everything just fine?

I know that I drive myself pretty hard – at least on the inside.  I expect a lot from myself – or those who love me tell me it’s a lot, anyway.  What exactly is “a lot” is very subjective.  But, when I find myself here – talking to myself like I’m “misbehaving,” if I can remember to, I step back.  Perspective is always instructive.

I’ve looked at my activity – my time spent painting over the nearly 25 years since I was first introduced to watercolor.  From 1992 when I took that first class with my mom until 2003 I painted very little and very sporadically.  From 2004 – 2006 it was a few paintings each year.  Then, in 2007 – when I first had an audience, a compelling reason to paint – I finished eight (!) paintings.  The nine years since I’ve painted 75 more.  So there is evidence of some consistency here — says she to the part of her who is afraid she’s starting to slack off!

Looking at the months in which I finished these paintings, I see something else – until I started leading watercolor groups in 2011 I took a months-long break from painting every winter.  So it’s natural for me to hibernate.  Leading groups year-round has provided me the structure to stay engaged with my painting life without taking long breaks.  But has it made me more productive?

I’m a numbers geek and my inner-techie dug further.  (This part of me just can’t help itself!) Yesterday I created a timeline which includes all the paintings I’ve done since 2000, including size of the painting, giving me a more complete idea how much I’ve painted these past years – beyond the simple number of paintings.  Though some paintings are more detailed than others and thus take longer to paint, in general size is an indication of time spent painting.  I’ve calculated the total number of square feet of paper I’ve covered with paint.  (Yes, I’ve actually done this – I’ve reduced my paintings to square footage!) Here’s the chart:

What does this tell me?  (Other than that I should watch myself so I don’t get lost in Excel spreadsheets when my paintings are not calling to me!) I see that taking long breaks didn’t mean I painted any less.  If anything the last three or so years I didn’t paint as much as some years when I took time to rest my brushes.  There are other factors too – I started writing these journal posts every week in late 2014 for one.  And I planned and held two special events – Healdsburg and Paris in 2014 and 2015 – which took time and creative cycles.

My intuition says that it’s more the creative cycles than the actual clock time.  We aren’t machines that can keep cranking out art like widgets.  Painting to make something come alive on paper – and now I’ve experienced this with writing too – requires focus and brain power.  This isn’t the same as doing something more task-oriented, something that can become rote in time.  No matter how long we do this, if we are alive and present it demands of us something more.

This said, I am still a good student of Steven Pressfield’s The War of Art.  I know the perils of not being aware of when Resistance is in play.  But as much as I love, love, love this book and have been supported and emboldened by his writing, there is a macho element that doesn’t work for my feminine sensibilities.  Maybe it is that men aren’t ever pregnant – and thus aren’t built for the experience of gestation – that he doesn’t speak to the rhythms of creative life so much.  I do understand that if I don’t ever show up at my painting table or Microsoft Word on my laptop, that nothing will ever get painted or written.  But there is a season for everything – it’s the way of life on earth.

The regular artists who paint with me on Thursdays and Fridays have a range of rhythms to their creative lives.  Many paint only when in Larkspur, a small group paint throughout the week and the rest are somewhere in between.  I’ve heard some of them express the desire to paint more (no one wants to paint less!).

Though the desire to paint more can be long held, more time spent painting doesn’t easily just happen.  For me it took a life-change.  Not having kids left a hole in me that eventually led to my jumping into doing art shows regularly and selling my work.  It took this for me to spend so much more time and energy on my creative work.  (2004 was when I realized I’d never have children – see the spike in my work in the graph above in 2005.) Other life changes I’ve seen catalyze the increase in creative output include: retirement, death, infertility, and burnout.  All of these have in common that a space has been created or must be created for the survival of the soul.

You may think I’m contradicting myself – that on one hand I’m saying that we can only create so much and on the other that we have to work against Resistance to create at all – on top of this – to create more requires some major life upheaval – grief even.  I’m saying it’s all true.  If you’ve not been creating, it takes something shifting in your life and your self for you to devote real time to it.  Having a regular commitment, like our weekly groups helps, but it won’t create the time the other 6 days of the week.  It takes being aware of how Resistance can get in the way – because it will. But then – and this is especially for those of us who have spent considerable time in our creative work – to care for ourselves, our souls, and our creative spirits, we have to allow time to rest.

There is another thought that has come to me.  This one is directed exactly at my self.  It may be that what I need isn’t so much a rest from painting, but to spend time experimenting, playing with my materials – just for the pure joy of it.  As an artist whose work is for sale, there is an element of commerce in what I do.  Don’t get me wrong – I love what I paint and I paint what I love, but I still require of myself that the output be in line with my other saleable work.  I’m not just goofing off — and goof off time with color sounds so fun right now!

See?  Given the attention and curiosity I discovered something.  I could use some play.  So where are you?  Are you harboring a desire to paint more?  What might you need to say no to?  Is there something in the world pulling at your energies that you can consciously shield yourself from?  Are you like me a little tired at this time of year and need some play?  Or is it that all is going along nicely?  Step inside to listen to what you are telling yourself.  Impulses, reactions, irritations, longings – they are all purposeful.  They all point you to your own pace and rhythm in doing your work.  They are part of our creative-life-health-care-system and I believe that not only can we trust them – but that if we are serious about bringing out the art that is in us, we must.

With my love,

Cara