June 28, 2016 – Destruction before Creation

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The week before last, I went to see my dear friend Julia and to meet her brand new son. Julia and I have a magical connection. Though there is a pretty big gap in our ages – I’m much closer to her mother’s age – we have a powerful bond that feels older than this lifetime. We met nine years ago, when I was just starting this odyssey of becoming a full-time artist – she worked at Light Rain and did the first reproductions of my paintings. When she told me that she was leaving her job to move to Paris to teach English to French school children, I told her how great that was for her – and then I asked if I could have her job! This began a connection that has involved being together in Paris and in New York, sharing the job at Light Rain, sharing the artist’s journey and a passion for sorting out how partnership works between the masculine and the feminine. It’s a very special friendship.

During our visit, she offered me to choose from a deck of inspiration cards written by Danielle LaPorte, a teacher/coach who offers white-hot truth in service of people living, no-kidding lives of their own creation. I love oracle cards and believe the cards we choose are not just happenstance, but have real messages for us. My card said “Destruction before Creation.” Really? This one? No perky platitude from Danielle LaPorte! But I really didn’t want that card. I’d rather have a “nice” card – not one that tells me to destroy – it sounds so violent. Julia said the card was mine to take with me. It’s not an accident I forgot it when I left. And – even without the card in-hand, the message has not left me. I’ve been asking myself: what needs to be destroyed?

I hike with Bo most mornings up a fire road that takes off from the other side of our little neighborhood. It is on private property and the owner has been pursuing developing the land. Last week, he had a bulldozer up there clearing away a whole lot of poison oak, and invasive, non-native scotch broom from the fire roads. Some of my fellow hikers are having a hard time with it. The heavy equipment scraping away the brush, has made an immediate, drastic change. I get where they are coming from and I would think that I’d be there too, but I’m actually loving it. The road had originally been carved into the hill 40 or 50 years ago, so this isn’t pristine un-touched nature – and it is now wide open again. It’s as if all the cobwebs have been cleared away. We can now see the live oak trees and the views of the hills beyond. To me it’s refreshing – even exciting. On yesterday’s hike, as I was feeling the excitement, it occurred to me that this may be the energy that can come from destruction – the wisdom in that card.

I did the San Anselmo Art and Wine festival this past weekend. Looking back to the post I wrote a year ago, the Tuesday after the same festival, I read that I was questioning whether I should still do this festival or not. Last year’s Sunday brought sweet moments of grace, including someone falling in love with “August Bounty” and taking it home, which left me thinking it was still a good thing to show up again. But this year has been altogether different – starting with the producer giving me a crappy spot, and then being downright rude to me, when I inquired about being moved to where I’d requested. I stood in the baking heat for two days, which wiped me out. On top of this, the caliber of the festival itself – so many booths of imported junk and hardly any other art – was depressing. For the first time in 10 years of doing this show, there was a lot of conversation amongst people about it. “They call it an ‘art festival’ – so, where is the actual art?” It is now really a “street fair” and my work doesn’t belong there anymore.

I’m guessing I’m not alone in this, but I need a negative experience, to realize that I’m done with something. This weekend was that for me. There have been years that I’ve done as many as seven art festivals. This year it’s just two. Next year the only thing on my radar will be the Sausalito Art Festival. But, this is how most of the people in my groups have found me, and most of those who have ended up with my art in their homes as well. So, if I don’t show my paintings at all these shows, how will we find each other? I don’t know. And I do know there will be a way.

Sometimes we just know things. After healing from the initial raw emotion of the ending of my first marriage, I don’t know why, but I knew I’d be married again. Because I knew that the kind of man I’d end up with would be a guy’s-guy, I made myself a “girl house” with white carpet and white furniture – expecting that he would likely not feel at home with this feminine décor. I have this same knowing about my art, finding its way into the world.

And in order to find this way, I see I have to stop putting energy into things that are no longer “mine” to do – such as outdoor art festivals like this one. I must destroy this part of what I do. There is a ton of energy – psychic and physical – that it takes to do these events. And what’s next won’t come through, if I’m squandering my energy where it no longer serves me. The thing is, this artwork has been put in me for what feels like a purpose. I don’t make these paintings for my own private enjoyment – these paintings are for people in the world who want and even need them. That purpose has a will, an energy, a drive, that will find a way.

It feels strange that I won’t be doing these events – there’s a voice telling me I’m slacking. What else will I do? Plus, it’s hard – most of us are wired to preserve, not destroy. But nature has her own cycles of destruction – like wild fires. A century of suppressing nature’s destructive fires, has created forests that are out of balance and when they do catch fire, the result is catastrophic.

It is just occurring to me what to do – and I’m not even sure what this means yet; but I need to create a haven, like I did with my little “girl house,” for my art life – a way station, until the next thing that I will put my bigger energies into shows up. The sound of this brings me a sweet peace. I can lead my art groups, care for my body and paint my love. Then we’ll see what arises in the space created.

The best thing about this past weekend, was talking to people who came by about their beginning or returning to paint and how I might help them. A common theme, is having the desire to paint and not doing so, because other things get in the way. With this insight, when I hear this again, I’ll offer the suggestion to see what might need to be destroyed first. There are seeds in the forest floor that need the heat of fire, in order for them to germinate. Plus, it’s a law of nature, when we make space, something comes in. But first, we do need to make space.

It is high fire season here in the west and this is a tricky metaphor right now. But, maturing and becoming more conscious, allows us to work with powerful forces in skillful ways. Seems I’m learning to embrace destruction. So, will you join me? We have our love to paint.

With my love,

Cara