August 16, 2016 – Just make beauty

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I spent this past weekend on a ranch and vineyard in Cloverdale with six other women-artist-friends. We took photos of the ripening grapes and other fruit, of big, tall sunflowers and of the breathtaking views from up on the hillside.  We feasted on beautiful late-summer food and wine, we celebrated a birthday, we swam in the pool, we laughed and shared lots of affection for each other.  And – we painted!  Originally planned as a weekend-retreat I’d lead, in a more formal and structured way, it changed shape such that I ended up being able to enjoy myself as just one of the group, without the expectation that I’d hold space for everyone or teach or direct the activities of the retreat.

I had no idea how much I needed to spend time like this – to follow my own curiosities and whims without wondering if the others were doing ok. I could spend two hours in the garage drawing a new painting, or obsess on finding just the right cluster of grapes, lit in just the right way that is magic.  I climbed up in a plum tree like I was a kid, to take pictures of one of the last groups of plums left hanging.  I timidly fed an apple to Bert, one of the horses.  I took myself on an early morning walk when I met a sweet little doggy and found an unkempt section of a vineyard that had the most amazing colors of leaves and dark blue-violet fruit.  I felt alive in the way I wrote about earlier this spring.  And, the feeling carries on in me – time spent this way is restorative.

I do also love time away with my hubby and our puppy dog.  But because of the nature of who I am and of our relationship, when we are together I find myself more often in care-taker mode – even if it’s not asked of me.  To be honest, if there is one other creature around, it can trigger my inner-care-taker, but she is pretty hard-wired to care for my Joe and my Bo.  Time like I spent last weekend fills me up in a whole other way.  And I’m so grateful to our hostess Sue who opened her ranch and home to us all – and to Laurie who provided a place to stay for the three of us from out of town.  I have a new painting of grapes started and at least a half dozen other strong contenders.  It’s energizing for me to have so many paintings in my inspiration pipeline.

I also think that there is something really special and important – at least for me – about spending time like this with other women. It’s not a given that being with a group of women is as easy and restorative as this weekend was.  Sometimes group dynamics are fraught with “issues” if there is someone who isn’t “with the program,” so to speak.  But not this group of women.  We all had an understanding of who was to take care of what and the spirit that surrounded and wove through the weekend – that we created together – was one of generosity and heartfelt care for each other.

When I came home and was unpacking the car on Sunday evening, I found a hand-made greeting card sitting on the dryer in the garage.  The hand-written message on the front was this:  “Tao – to be truly good you cease fighting the darkness.  You just make beauty. – Richard Watson”   I thought:  wow, isn’t this just the perfect message to cap my experience of the weekend with?   The part of me that is compelled to be so very purposeful, who feels so responsible to do my part to right the wrongs of the world, can have a hard time with taking time to just have fun – time for just pleasure.  I don’t have a well exercised play muscle.  I hardly read for purely enjoyment – I mostly read to learn or grow (though I do love to learn and grow!).  I read the movie reviews in the paper every Friday, but we hardly ever go out to the see them.  After dinner, I don’t watch TV, I paint, which I love and feel terribly privileged for the time to do, but it’s not play.  Painting for me requires energy and focus.  I get drawn into what’s going on in the world (pretty easy to do right now) and feel responsible to do what I can – which mostly is just contribute money.

But what if all I need to do is just make beauty?  What if making beauty is more than just making art?  What if it is how we talk to each other or the space that is created when we gather to paint in Larkspur?  What if the beauty I am already making is doing enough? Last night I listened to an interview of an author who wrote a book on Bobby Kennedy while I painted (see what I mean about being so purposeful…?!) He said that Bobby Kennedy recognized that you can’t try to work with people like George Wallace, you have to stand up to them.  This plants the question in me:  is standing up for what’s right “fighting the darkness?”  Or is standing up for what’s right another form of making beauty?  I think it depends upon who is doing it and why.

I’ve come to realize – and must remind myself all the time – that we must do what we are compelled to do – because of what matters most to us at our level of awareness.  But anything else isn’t ours to tend to.  It’s not good for me to get too emotionally involved in politics or a cause, unless I’m going to get up and take action because I care enough to.  Otherwise it feels like fighting the darkness – in an inert way, which is a waste of me.  Just because I can, doesn’t mean I must.  I must rinse out and re-use plastic bags – because I can’t not.   I can’t throw one into the trash that is still usable.  This doesn’t necessarily mean it’s your part too.  What we care about is personal.  It’s good to know that there are others who take care of things that are not mine to do.

It relieves the part of me that feels like there’s so much that needs doing in the world to know that there are forces at work in the evolution of our planet and humankind that are way beyond the power of any one of us. And yet we each make a contribution towards this evolution in our choices and in our actions.  Those choices and actions are personal, they are our own.  And I have to believe that having weekends like I’ve just had and making the paintings that will follow are positive contributions.  I tell myself that change comes in its own time.  To the part of me that feels obligated to fight the darkness, I tell that I’m here to make beauty – which to me means many things – the most obvious and visible is that I paint my love. You too?

With my love,

Cara