February 24, 2015 – A season for everything

Wild irises from my hike up the hill with Bo this morning after writing – a bit early this year.

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When I was in my very early 20’s my brother Matt and I did the EST training. Our parents had gotten involved with EST and wanted for – I assume all four of us – to benefit from the value they gained from it.  It’s remarkable for me now to think that a couple of college students (Matt may have still been a teenager) would be willing to spend two weekends, in a meeting room in downtown San Diego with a bunch of mostly middle-aged people seeking transformation.  We were not forced to pee on ourselves and neither did anyone yell at us and tell us we were assholes, as I’ve been asked!  I do remember the exercise where we had to say emphatically “don’t you ever, ever, ever let me catch you brushing that dog’s teeth with my toothbrush again!!!”  Maybe because I was so young and maybe because we were raised in a house that was pretty well expressed, I don’t remember EST having an immediate impact.  But it was the start of what has ended up being a life-long process (so far) of learning about myself, growing my awareness and capacities.

After college, I did the EST Six-Day and then, when I was 23, I was Course Administrator for a subsequent Six-Day – my first real leadership experience. Several years later, I read the “Celestine Prophecy” which opened the door to there being another dimension to our existence.  I learned about the Enneagram and saw right away that I’m a type-two, Giver/Helper. That explained SO much!  I’ve taken the Myers Briggs – I went from an INTJ to years later an ENFJ – who knew you could change so much?!  I found out my top 5 strengths in Strengthsfinder (Connectedness, Developer, Individualization, Empathy and Input).  The last one, Input, explains my compulsion to looking stuff up online!  I read Dan Millman on numerology to find out I’m a 30/3 living a path of emotional expression. Speaking Circles healed my stage fright. I took The Coaches Training Institute’s coach training and their incredible 10-month leadership program that has brought me out of my shell for good!  As part of this, we learned how our essence might be described in our “I Am Type” – mine is: Beauty (think Audrey Hepburn or Jaqueline Onassis) with Charm, Fresh, Natural, and, get this, Smoldering!  (It was fun to realize that last one about myself!)   I uncovered my queenly Noble Qualities through my work with PAX and Alison Armstrong (Freedom, Connection, Illumination, Trust, Joy and Loveliness).  I had my Soul Map done (based on astrology) with Lissa Boles to learn that I’m here to teach that sensitivity is a really a superpower – which rings so true for me.

Add to all of this literally decades of one-on-one spiritual counseling and direction – I’m absolutely compelled to grow my consciousness and understanding of myself and how “it” works – and I’m a junkie for psycho-spiritual systems!  I have been hell-bent, or shall I say heaven-bent, to free myself from my limitations!

In the first part of my life, I could be extremely shy, I blushed painfully readily, and had unbearable stage fright.  I studied Computer Science in college and worked in the tech industry.  I was married to someone who struggled with addiction and could not truly meet me in any meaningful way.  Looking back, it seems I’ve had a complete life-transplant. Except for my beloved family, hardly anything is the same.   I’m so very grateful for the grace that has kept me on this path of transformation.

And then just a couple of days ago, I found myself saying to myself out loud “I’m so coached out” when looking at the emails in my inbox.  It was filled with personal growth teachers’ newsletters, about this telesummit and that program.  I’ve reached my limit, or at least a limit on how much looking at myself I can do.   My spiritual director Sister Mary Neill says that personal growth can actually be violent.   Sounds intense and extreme, but it rings true.  Last week I was talking to my friend Vicki and what came out of my mouth was something like “it seems there is a sweet spot, a balance, between having our heads in the sand, unaware of what else there is and being so focused on growing and changing who we are that we make ourselves wrong for not being “there” yet, which doesn’t honor the fact that evolution is the nature of the universe – where every stage is good and right. Even pain and suffering have their place. Words I’ve heard from Deepak Chopra guide me:  “everyone is doing the best they can at their level of awareness.” Including me.

Laying in bed early this morning, I was thinking about what to write and the word I’d spoken: “balance,” came to my mind.  And then something else right behind it:  “cycle.”  I questioned whether balance is really what we want, or even if it’s possible.  Cycle, or season feels more the nature of our lives.  When I’ve been painting intensely for a while, I need a break.  If that break goes on for too long, I feel the pull back to my work.  I love teaching – leading artists in their process with watercolor, it is what I’m made for.  And after four days in a row this past week, yesterday I was ready to enter receipts and reconcile checking accounts in Quickbooks!

When we were little kids in the 60’s, our parents listened to the folk music that was popular then – Peter Paul and Mary, Pete Seeger, the Mama’s and the Papa’s.  Pete Seeger’s song, made popular by The Byrds comes to mind:

• To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
• A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted;
• A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
• A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
• A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
• A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
• A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
• A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
• A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

From a passage, said to be written by King Solomon, in Ecclesiastes – it is ancient wisdom that rings true to me today.  I read it’s the popular song with the oldest lyrics, though Pete Seeger said he did write the six words at the end: “I swear it’s not too late.”  This song was meant to be a call for peace in the Vietnam War era.  That it has come to mind, I’m taking it as a call for peace within me, which is where peace in the world is spawned – from the peace that resides in each of our hearts.

Love,

Cara