April 21, 2015 – Digging for treasure

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In the past week I’ve been clearing out.  Yesterday I went through the drawers at my husband’s contracting office of “my” files that were stored there.  I went through all the colored (!) folders and tossed two drawers-full of paper I’ll never need or use again.  This was after last Wednesday, when I went through every shelf and drawer in my office/studio here at home.  I’ve been hearing repeatedly how beneficial it is to de-clutter – not just for the aesthetic and practical reasons, but also for making space for whatever new life is awaiting me.   And the result has been exhilarating.  Standing here typing on my laptop, I can see in my peripheral vision, empty spaces on the desk and in the bay window that were covered with “stuff” a week ago.  It’s like a crisp breeze blew through here, taking away all that wasn’t anchored down by my need for it or my love of it.  Ahhh.

Some things were hard to toss.  I’d been collecting all of the return address stickers that came with requests for donations from charitable organizations – for years.  It irked me that I could never possibly use all these “gifted” stickers and they are not recyclable because they have a coated paper backing. The burden I felt in them, gave me the idea to do some kind of statement-collage-art with them.  They all have some kind of color to them after all!  The stack filled a file folder top to bottom, an inch thick, at least, and it’s now in the trash headed for the landfill :-(.  I told myself I can’t save the planet all on my own. The good news is, I’ve gotten off all of their lists and we don’t get them nearly as often anymore!

Then there were stacks and stacks of old postcards from past events with my art on them. I’d ordered more than were mailed out or given out at shows.  I tossed them into the paper recycle bin and with a tinge of sadness, I watched all these colorful images of my work cascading down – yes, I can be a bit sappy.   And I’m appreciating another kind of beauty – the empty space on the shelf where they were!  I just ordered half the amount, so they won’t stack up in the future.

I went through photos, cards, magazine and newspaper articles I’d saved. There were documents I’d saved from my years in the tech world, much of which I realized I don’t even understand anymore.  Out it went!  In the end I filled up our entire paper recycle bin at home and a good half of the huge one at the office.  The back of my car has stuff for the Good Will – and I did have to grit my teeth and put some stuff in the trash to be landfilled.  But, oh, what a difference!  This detritus that collects and fills the spaces around us carries weight.  For me it has made an actual physical difference to be free of it.

Years and years ago, I read Sarah Ban Breathnach’s books  Simple Abundance and Something More.  In one of them she talks about being an archaeologist, excavating for clues in your own life.  This is also what this clearing out has been.  I came across “artifacts” from my life-so-far that have me reflecting and appreciating where I’ve traveled.  I found the calendar where I’d penciled in my first date with Joe.  Yesterday I ran across the Polaroid photo the fertility center took of our 4-celled embryo – the one that was implanted in me and didn’t take.  And there was the tab from that wonderful evening at a restaurant called Othello in Rome that Joe and I talk about all the time.  Who knew that a simple meal of spaghetti with tomato, basil and garlic could be that remarkable?   But it was!  I saw my evolution as I went through my artwork going all the way back. There were menus, recipes, shopping lists and to-do lists from the retreats I’d catered – and files of notes from the various personal growth programs I was either a participant in or that I’d been part of creating and leading.

This “primary material” of our lives is quite compelling.  But, for me the most captivating was finding something I’d written in my own hand.  These bits of writing are views into my former selves.  And they are priceless – especially so because of one really great regret.  Several years ago, a feng shui person recommended I – ceremonially – burn all my old Artist Way Morning Pages journals, as they were filled with negative emotion from the time before, during and after my divorce.  And if I were to do this before the upcoming Sausalito Art Festival, I’d have a more prosperous show.  In pre-festival mode, I hardly found time for ceremony!  Since we only have a gas fireplace, I went to my parents’ and ripped chunks of pages off and shoved them in the side of their wood burning stove, giving my right arm a “sunburn” from the heat.  I saved (thank God) a few key pages that happened to catch my eye when I was tearing through to get it all done!  I’m so sorry I took her advice. It’s completely undo-able. This was my life, poured out into the page – including my time in Paris!  And from this vantage point, I have no idea if it resulted in my art selling well at that festival or not!  So, now when I discover things I’d written, especially if they are like journal entries, they are gemstones in the dirt.

Reflecting on the writing I discovered this week, over and over, I see the strength of my “want-er” muscle.  I’ve wanted so much, so deeply.  I wanted peace with my body and food.  I wanted to be free of my stage fright. I wanted to know my own loveliness. I wanted clothes that I felt good in. I wanted to feed people.  I wanted to have my voice.  I wanted my life to make a difference.  I wanted to help people live lives that mattered to them – starting with my own.   I saw how this wanting has power.

There are spiritual teachings that link desire with suffering.  Though I see the truth in this, I find it more useful – for my life – to actually cultivate my desires.  Desire is fuel and, if what I desire is aligned with life, it is a cause for good and can be trusted.  In the metamorphoses that my life has undergone in the past twenty years, the impetus for change has been in the twin forces of pain and desire. Pain is an inevitable facet of human life and some say is the prime force for transformation.  It certainly has been in my life.  But with just pain alone, I’d have been left despondent.

One of the heroes in my life is Father Richard Rohr.  He’s a Catholic priest unlike any other.  Earlier this year he was on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday.  I heard him say “pain must be transformed or it will be transmitted.”  How the world would be different if we all got this one!  What I want has given me a way to hold the pain, allowing it to change me.  This has kept me from transmitting the pain – or kept me from transmitting it as much as I would have!

Digging out this past week has created fresh, clear space to work in – and I’ve discovered/re-discovered all kinds of treasures – reminding me of the richness of life and the path it takes us on.  I heartily recommend it!

Love,

Cara