April 5, 2016 – What Brings Us Alive

The painting I’m working on – as it is today – bringing this rose and its surroundings alive

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My mom and dad host a dinner almost every Sunday evening. By Sunday morning, Mom sends a text or email to my three brothers and me and our spouses – this is what Dad’s cooking, who is coming? This past Sunday, the four of us siblings were all there. It’s so good to connect with my brothers and their loved ones. I hadn’t seen my brothers Matt or Mike in several weeks, as we’d been missing each other – especially Mike – he lives in San Francisco and has a busy travel schedule, with his super-demanding job with Apple Computer. He is responsible for the build-outs and remodels of Apple stores all over the country. Before getting into corporate construction management, Mike was a builder and general contractor. On Sunday he came in late, just as we’d started eating. He had just come from Sacramento, where he was helping build a new building for the folks who run the rafting company, where he and Julie take a river trip every summer. He had spent the weekend framing and sheeting the new roof.

After working all weekend and a 2-hour drive, he practically burst through the door, filled with energy. He seemed taller and younger – his face looked more angular. And the slight sunburn on his face gave him a healthy ruggedness. He even moved differently in his body. As he chowed down on a big plate of food – he’d worked really hard and had to refuel! – I kept marveling at how alive he was. When I told him so, he said he felt alive. He’d been up and down a ladder probably 50 times all day, and it seemed like he could have gone 50 more. He said it felt great to put his bags on and do something physical, tangible. All the practical knowledge of building a roof – which can be quite complicated – was right there – he’d not forgotten any of it. He said he wants to figure out how to retire, so he can go to work for our oldest brother Joe, doing physical work, building stuff. How’s that?! Retire so he can go work hard! I’ve not been able to stop thinking about him, and the impact that doing something that he loves to do and feels made to do, had on his physical body, his presence – his whole being.

I came home and shared this with my Joseph and asked him if, for him, that thing was flying airplanes. He said it was. He comes home from flying a different guy, like he’s had fresh jolt of life-force. I’ve been up with him a couple of times and know that flying is immensely consuming, he’s focused on nothing but the checklist, the instruments, the radio communications. He’s in full command of the airplane – I can tell he’s a really, really good pilot. It engages his brain, his knowledge and I think there’s something about the rigor that’s required – making literally life and death decisions – that appeals to him. On top of that, he’s on top of the world – my guy is a big-picture guy and the perspective from thousands of feet in the air, is how he sees.

This had me wonder: what it is for me? What brings me so alive like this? You’d think it would be painting, wouldn’t you? As much as I am compelled to paint and love color and creating beauty, the actual act of painting in watercolor, in the way I do it, doesn’t impact me this way. For me, painting is more like something I must do, in order to stay in good shape – if I don’t, I get crabby. But I don’t feel like Mike looked on Sunday, after I’ve been painting.

Then I reflected what I did on Saturday. I spent the day with Lenore and Sue, two new friends I’ve met through our watercolor groups, at Filoli, a gorgeous garden in Woodside, south of San Francisco. Filoli is an estate, established about 100 years ago, that was donated to the County of San Mateo in the 70’s. The mansion is surrounded by 16 acres of beautifully maintained formal gardens. It was a perfect spring day, to walk through a flower-filled garden. There were still plenty of tulips in pots; the tree peonies were going full force, the camellias were at the end of their bloom, but the rhododendrons were just getting started. Enormous purple and white wisterias, that grace the sides of the mansion were at their peak, fragrant and buzzing with bees. Just a couple of climbing roses were blooming, in a few weeks, the rose garden will explode with color and scent.

Some of what we saw on Saturday.

Sue and I discovered that we both love apple blossoms, their sweet, chubby flowers with just a hint of pink on the buds – and green leaves at the same time as the flowers. We found ourselves completely obsessed with this one apple tree, and took a whole bunch of pictures, in hopes that one will call out “paint me!” It was so fun to be with someone who loves something, just as crazily as I do. Lenore eventually lured us away to see the pink dogwoods, in prime, full bloom. Oh. My. Goodness! Beauty everywhere. On Saturday, I experienced in my body, why we use the expression “breath taking.” Re-living it now as I write, I feel the energy rise in me, expanding my chest with joy and aliveness. Being in a place like this, brings me alive.

Having a great time together!

Lying in bed this morning, I had another memory sift back to me. It was last October, after an 11-hour flight, I was riding in an airport shuttle van, as it entered the city of Paris. Like carbonation, I felt energy bubble through me at the sight of those Paris buildings, with their blue and white street signs on the corners. Paris. I was there, really there. Though I’d slept little on the plane and my body was reeling from being whooshed 9 time zones away, I had the energy to walk for several hours before having a bite to eat, and giving my body what it was craving on the flight, to be resting fully horizontal. I am a different version of me when I’m in Paris. This has me thinking it’s time to set aside my hesitations, and put another Pilgrimage on the calendar. Even if I end up going all by myself. Paris brings me alive.

It’s more subtle, but I also feel myself come alive at the start of every painting group, as everyone arrives filled with appreciation for each other, the time we get to spend together – and for me too. Our groups have a restorative impact and it’s as if they all arrive famished, to a lavish table of food. That I get to provide the environment for this kind of nourishment, fills me with purpose and fulfillment – a different kind of alive.

There’s always stuff in life that we don’t want to do, but have to. Even so, I woke today, realizing that even if we can’t do the things that bring us really alive like this every day, if we are determined to, we can carve out the space and time to do them more. I’m not going to become a gardener or move to Paris, but writing this today has me see how important it is, to get enough of our own particular kind of life-fuel.

Mike’s aliveness on Sunday, had an impact on all of us in the room – and it inspired me to share it with you today. When we are alive, it has a ripple effect; aliveness is compelling and it’s contagious. So, what brings you alive. I’d love to know.

With my love,

Cara