March 3, 2015 – Putting down the sword

Bo, up near the top of the hill on our morning walk today.  The San Francisco skyline is barely visible in the center at the horizon.

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As any of you who have been reading these posts for a while knows, most weekday mornings I take our dog Bo up the hill that is on the other side of our neighborhood.  There’s a fire road and some side trails that go all the way to the top where you can see across to the surrounding ridges and valleys and even to the bay and downtown San Francisco.  Lately we’ve not been hiking all the way to the top – still the views are beautiful and it’s our place.  Bo seems to sniff extra intently if we’ve been away for a few days.  He must be checking to see who’s been there recently.

A couple of weeks ago we were on the street, on our way home when someone drove up going what seemed to me to be pretty fast.  I called out “Slow down!” in an emphatic voice.  It wasn’t until he was right upon us, that I realized that it was our neighbor-friend, someone we know and love – he’s a lab guy and always has a vigorous greeting for Bo (and who also has my art on his walls!).  I felt awful. I had the impulse to say I was sorry for my tone. I am known to call out to the drivers of cars on our streets who are going too fast, but I mostly say “please” at the beginning, and try to say it from my heart – a plea instead of a command.  But this came out as a command and it felt awful.  The next time we saw each other on the street, we each apologized to each other – he for his haste – he’d forgotten something at home and was already late – which I so relate to. And me for my preachy tone.  I said I really wanted to remember that it isn’t just those I already know and love who I want to offer that, but to anyone. It’s always best to offer people their humanity in how we deal with them.

Then last week, Bo and I were just coming down from our turnaround spot when we encountered another guy and his dog on the fire road. Bo was about 10 feet ahead of me with his ball in his mouth – yes, most dogs are off leash up on this hill –  when the dog went after Bo.  I heard that terrible dog-fight sound.  I get so freaked out by the low-throat growling of big dogs entangled. Even if they aren’t biting each other, it sounds like they are and I get so frightened. The owner of the dog, someone I know, but not well – he grew up in Marin and my brothers know him – started yelling repeatedly “what are you doing?” at his dog.  After I got Bo back on the leash and said we’d go back up and around via the trail to be out of their way, I called after him “your dog is just doing what is natural, Jim, he is intact.”  His dog is not neutered and I had a judgment about it.  As soon as it left my mouth, it felt over the line.  I was being a know-it-all.  The fact is, he was totally responsible; he was right there in control of his dog and the situation, and all was well.

The same impulse came to me to contact him and apologize.  It stayed with me the rest of the day. I kept thinking about what I’ve heard Alison say:  “a man can’t protect you if he needs to protect himself from you.”  This man is a really masculine, big guy.  He sometimes wears camouflage on his hikes, I think he might be a former Marine.  He’s someone I’d really want on my side, if Bo or I were in need of protection on the hill!  After dinner I found a contact page for him online and sent him a note.  I apologized for what I said and how I said it and appreciated him for making sure we were all safe.  He replied the next morning, thanking me for reaching out. He accepted my apology and told me to rest assured that he’d have his dog on leash when they hit the fire road.  Ah, relief. We are all good.

In my note to him, what came out of my fingers was “I get all scold-y and righteous when I’m scared.”  I realized this is also what happened to me with our neighbor who was driving too fast.  Wow, how useful is it to know that this is where I go instinctively?  There’s a lot about vulnerability that is talked about these days – largely thanks to Brene Brown.  It’s the key to a whole lot of what we want (at least what I want) in life.  And it’s not where I go when I’m scared. I’m not sure how it would have gone if I’d been able to realize my fear and speak out of it, if I’d made a request instead of a proclamation about his “misbehaving.”

But I didn’t – I’m a work in progress too!  Cleaning it up later is then the best I can do.  And in some way it might have been the more impactful outcome.  For me to have gotten up on my high horse and then come back down to apologize and appreciate his efforts has connected me to him as a person in a way that I’m not sure I would have if I’d been vulnerable from the start. This way, I had the perspective of how it felt to have made him “other” first.  At least this time, to gain this insight.

In 2009, in Alison’s Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop I took a vow to give up the right to emasculate men forever.  It has created the world anew for me. And it brings me to a beautifully vulnerable and feminine place.  It’s a place that has me know that I’m inside a physical body that is biologically prey.  Female bodies are factory-installed with bigger amygdalae in our brains – so we more easily fear.  This keeps us from risking too much – especially when we are pregnant – for better survival of our species.  Now, with the knowledge that men, (at least the vast majority – the healthy ones), will absolutely protect me, I can allow them their power and strength. I don’t need to diminish it because I feel I have to protect myself.

This vow does not mean that I won’t ever emasculate again, I’m human. It means that I’ve given away my sense that I’m justified in doing so, that “he had/has it coming.”  Though maybe not terribly egregious, what I said to both men was emasculating.  It was dis-empowering.  And it registered as so – immediately – in my body and heart.  I am grateful to what I’ve learned that has transformed me, giving me this impulse – to put them and our relationship back together.

And knowing that when I’m scared, I go to judgment and righteousness and get preachy is also helpful.  Not only so I can watch for it in myself, but also to realize that others who might be preachy to me could be in fear and wanting to protect – even protect me.

All we can do is the best we can in any given moment.  I’m committed to living this life in a well-examined way (or at least and examined-enough way – last week’s post comes to mind!), so that the next given moment my best might be a bit further up the path towards compassion, peace and forgiveness – for myself as well as for others.

With my love,

Cara